Warning to first time moms

There I was, we just found out we were pregnant. We were elated. And scared. Who do we tell first? How do we tell them? We want to tell the world. We set the plans to tell our families. But the ultimate question for first time moms my age….. When do we tell facebook?!

Really, it has come to that. Why? It boggles my mind and makes me laugh. Mainly at myself. I don’t know when we “told facebook.” It was somewhere around 10 weeks or so. One thing I know for certain is that first post of “we’re pregnant” spirals into A LOT of unnecessary status updates with way too much information for the general public. First you say “we are expecting.” Then comes, “Oh, I wish this baby would stop making me feel sick.” Next it’s “I’m craving beer, bologna and pickles….. of which I can only eat pickles.” Everyone knows pregnant ladies can’t have alcohol or deli meat. That’s just week one PFA (Post facebook announcement).

Pretty soon you are driving everyone crazy. NO, we don’t want to see your baby bump at 14 weeks. Honestly, if you had not announced to the facebook world (daily) that you were pregnant, you would just look like you needed to not go back for seconds.  Let me be the first to say, I can be cynical about this now. I was that girl. I justified a lot of my crazy facebook pregnancy status updates as humor, so it was ok.  However you justify in your mind, it’s not ok. Proverbs 14:12 says There is a way that seems rights to man, but in the end leads to death. Your updates seem right to you. But I assure you, someone on facebook is thinking about killing you, or is on the verge of clicking “defriend.”

Some of you may forget that you are friends with guys on facebook. Guys that may not have a wife or kids. They really don’t need to know. You do realize that first time moms are the reason facebook decided to allow you to only see news feed updates of people you interact with. All that updating you think you are doing… yeah, most people can’t even see it now. Some things need to be saved for your pregnancy journal or the baby book.

Let’s jump to the third trimester or 16 weeks PFA. For 16 weeks, people have been putting up with your antics and it’s about to get worse. First rule of facebook updates during the third trimester. DONT COMPLAIN. Yeah, everyone that has carried a baby 9 months is done with it by the last month. You are not alone friend. You’re also being a little bit selfish right? You are about to receive the biggest blessing and gift that could ever be given and you are flat out whining to the world. Ssshhhhh! Second rule of the third trimester: DO NOT update everyone on your dilation or effacement progress. Seriously. Most people that don’t have kids don’t really know what all that means, luckily. For those of us that do, I personally think that should be on a need to know basis. Your 300 or more friends on facebook do not need to know. The final rule: DO NOT update through labor and delivery.

This is a true story. Someone (lucky for them I can’t remember who it was) updated through their labor and delivery by phone almost every hour. The people that really need to know how you are doing are probably at the hospital with you. Or there are text messages you know. Then, you know what she did after the birth don’t you. Yes, you know where I’m going. Fresh outta the box pictures. GAG! I was pregnant at the time of this person’s facebook abuse. I almost had a heart attack. No one wants to see your bloody, cheesy alien. NO ONE. Now, this is worst case scenario of first time mother facebook abusers (FTMFA). I realize most people know better. For those of you that don’t, please be warned.

I’m sad that no one told me how annoying even the slightest pregnancy facebook status reference was to them and everyone else. I’m more sad that despite my pregnancy updates without warning, someone let me update as a new mom.

As if the pregnancy wasn’t bad enough, I believe the first year of the kid’s life, FTMFA’s go nuts. The problem goes to a new level with the first update about the baby’s weight and height at their first pediatrician appointment. That’s so great that your little one is healthy. If anything changes or we can pray for you, let us know. DO NOT tell us how much they weigh daily, or weekly. You’ve heard the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Well for FTMFA’s we have altered it a bit. “If you don’t have anything to say besides about your kid, don’t say anything at all.” There’s also another motto that could apply here: “Get a life.” That’s just for stage 4 extreme FTMFA’s, like my dear friend that updated through labor and delivery.

I’d now like to direct your attention to facebook picture posts or updates. If you are thinking you are not a FTMFA because you just post a picture or two. You are wrong. Let’s talk about acceptable and unacceptable pictures.

Newborn: Fresh out the box

Exhibit A: acceptable. This is an acceptable fresh out of the box picture. Baby is cleaned up, but still holds that “fresh” look.

Exhibit B:

ok. I was going to put an unacceptable, graphic picture of my kid right after birth but it grossed me out. If you can see blood, cheese, or any private areas they would fit into this category.

Babyhood: any picture in the first year of life

Exhibit A: Acceptable:  Any cute, funny, happy picture of your kid will suffice

I was going to post an unacceptable picture here, but they fall into their own category. Milestones. We know what these are, first tooth, first crawl, first taste of baby food, first hair cut, first steps. The list goes on. With any picture you post of the milestone category, you must be careful. If your child sprouts a first tooth do not go through the trouble to post that picture you got that is both out of focus and made the baby cry to get it. Stick that one in the baby book and move on. Also, if your picture falls in this category and you realize you cannot post it for fear of being labeled a FTMFA, don’t status update it instead. You are still in violation.

Exhibit B1: Unacceptable by means of how you achieve this picture

Exhibit B2: Acceptable Milestone picture. Look he’s cute and crawling

I still want to warn those of you that want to post milestone pictures. Do not do it as to boast that your kid is the most intelligent, gifted, advanced child ever to grace the earth. Yes, your kid may crawl at 5 months, but I guarantee by age 2, it won’t matter which kid crawled first and which said mama first. Wait, you haven’t met my kid. I’m pretty sure he’s the most intelligent, gifted, advanced child… sorry. (You know that’s what you were thinking. That your kid is all that and some so it couldn’t apply to you). Wrong.

If you have to take the time to make a conscious decision as to whether your facebook update or picture is in violation or puts you in jeopardy of becoming a FTMFA, just don’t do it. If you know someone who is a FTMFA and doesn’t know it, send them a link to this blog post 🙂 Make it a joke. Hey look what this crazy girl said, it’s funny, you might get a laugh. Slide the hint in that way. Don’t lose a friend over it.  I wish someone had warned me.

It’s true. I became a FTMFA. I’m happy to say I’m in recovery. I may still update about the craziness I deal with in having a kid. But I refuse to go back down that road. I have committed to not sharing TMI with my social media friends any more. Please, don’t let this happen to you or a loved one. If you read this and realize that you too are a FTMFA, there is help out there. It’s called reality and you have to find it. I’m here for any support and to make fun of you. We can laugh at ourselves together.

This also applies to twitter. Don’t think you are left out. Luckily you only have 140 characters.